NOTE: This is a very personal post and reflects my feelings for today.
I don’t know how to start. It’s been a long time since my first post here. I always wanted to update this but I just could’t find the time or the inspiration to write.
I want to cry right now. I want to scream but I don’t know to whom I should vent my anger and anguish.
I feel so helpless, hopeless. I keep reminding myself to stay positive these past few days and not to let worries drag me down but I can’t seem to hold on anymore. I cannot concentrate on what I am doing. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I always find peace in prayer but right now I cannot even stay focused enough to pray. My mind is in turmoil, wandering to and fro just to escape the reality of the present.
My God, I’ve been there. I’ve been to the abyss and I would never want to go back.
It was the worst – the feeling of deep emptiness and sadness that no one else can fathom. That feeling wherein you feel that there is no use in continuing the struggle, that there is no point in living even if you’re surrounded by your loved ones.
I really couldn’t recall exactly how I was able to get out of that “hole”.
Maybe someone pulled me up or maybe God raised me up.
I don’t know. But every time I encounter a serious problem now or an incident that makes me sad, I seem to want to drift to that state again. I know it’s bad; I know it’s not right but I can’t help it!
I am overcome with frustration from people I care about – who promised me that they would take care of me but did not fulfill that promise. And so I was left alone, alone to wonder on my own how am I going to proceed without their much-needed assistance. But they failed me! 😦
Enough is enough. I should have known all along that there is no one to help me but myself – that I should not depend on other people for my needs if they are not capable of providing them. It’s just me and my God – the one companion who never gave up on me.
It’s as if I have a choice really. I have to get up and be there for the people who depend on me. I cannot let them down.
I have to get up, to force myself to bounce back no matter how I want to go down… down….down….
Pardon my words. As you might well know, I am not thinking straight right now. I am just writing out of the box – an empty box that’s ready to explode.
I just want to reassure you that I am not coming back “there.” No, not ever again.
That’s all I can promise. My God is bigger than my problem.